"Magandang araw po." Pagtingin ni Lisa sa kanilang bintana ay isang sulat ang inihagis sa kanya ng mensahero na nagbigay ng "magandang araw." Dahan – dahan niyang ginupit ang isang dulo ng sobre, tiningnan, nangunot ang noo at sabay tawa ng malakas.
"Ha, ha, ha. Nasisira yata ang ulo ni JP!" ang nasabing tatawa-tawa.
Ang totoo ay hindi sukat akalain ni Lisa magkakaroon ng lakas ng loob si JP na magpapahayag sa kanya ng pag-ibig. Silang dalawa ay magpinsan. Makipagsintahan siya kay JP ay walang ano – ano’y magiging usapan ng bayan na sila ang magpinsang nag - iibigan. Kay laking kahihiyan, nun! At saka si JP, para sa kanya, ay hindi pa naman tunay na binata kundi bago pa lamang nagbibinata. Noong huli lamang ay hindi marunong mag-ayos ng sarili si JP. Noon lamang mga nakararaang taon ay lagi silang magkasama sa paglalaro. Madalas pa siyang pinasasalubungan ni JP ng mansanas galling sa kanilang tindahan na pagkatapos ay pinagsasalunan nilang dalawa. Kung tanghaling tapat ay madalas silang pagalitan ng kanyang ina dahil sa hindi nila pagtulog sa hapon at nalilibang sa paglalaro ng kung anu-ano sa labas ng bahay. Ganon na lamang ang sarap ng kanilang matalik na pagsasama na para bang silang dalawa ay katulad ng tunay na magkapatid. Kaya lamang sila nagkahiwalay ay nang pumasok na siya sa kolehiyo. Nagkaiyakan pa sila nang matagal dahil sa pangambang makalimutan ang isa't-isa. Awang-awa siya kay JP.
Ngunit noon ay mga batang musmos pa lamang sila. Marami ng araw at taon ang nakalipas. Nang lisanin ang kolehiyo sapagkat hindi na kayang tustusan ng kanyang magulang ang pag –aaral ay halos magdadalaga na siya. Sa kanyang ala-ala ay
Kaya ganoon na lamang ang gulat ni Lisa ng tanggapin niya ang sulat ni JP.
"Marunong na palang lumigaw ang pilyo," ang wika pang nakangiti.
Ipinalagay niyang si JP ay nahihibang o kaya'y nagbibiro lang. Kaya hindi pinansin ang liham ng binata. Saka ang pag-ibig ay hindi pa rin naman nagigising sa kanyang puso.
Pagkaraan ng mahigit na dalawang linggo ay nagsisi si JP kung bakit siya nakapagtapat pa kay Lisa ng kanyang saloobin. Wala nga namang dapat pagsisihan. Ngayon na lamang niya naintindihan na malayo siyang ibigin ng kanyang magandang pinsan. Si Lisa ay tanyag na tanyag sa mga lipunan, mula ng lumabas sa kolehiyo, samantalang siya'y palad ng makadalo sa isang piging minsan sa isang buwan. Maraming maginoo at propesyonal na binata na nangingibig kay Lisa samantala siya ay isang estudyante pa lamang na pinakakain at pinaghihirapan ng kanyang ama. Naintindihan niya na isa nga naman kabaliwan ang kanyang pag-ibig. Lalong lumalim ang kanyang pagkahiya sa harap ni Lisa. Kung minsang sila'y nagkakatagpo sa isang sayawan o piging ay hindi niya magawang sumulyap man lamang sa mukha ng kanyang pinsang dalaga, habang ito'y ngingiti-ngiti at parang nagsasayang-loob ang makitang siya'y labis na naguguluhan.
Nguni't ano ang kanyang gagawin? Siya ay lalaki at lalaking may puso. Ang tibok ng puso ay makapangyarihan. At hindi maaaring pigilin, lalong mahirap at hindi mangyayaring limutin niya si Lisa. Si Lisa ay inibig na niya at minahal, sinundan-sundan ng paningin at ninanais ng buong kaluluwa mula pa sa kanilang kabataaan. Ang isang bagayna tumimo na sa kanyang diwa at tumanim sa puso sa panahon ng kamusmusan, ay hindi na malilimot at mamamatay sa habang panahon. “Ang mga ala-ala ng ating kabataan ay siyang matamis sa lahat, sariwa sa lahat at mahal sa lahat” bulong ni JP sa sarili habang nakikita ang marikit na iniirog. Talagang si JP ay hindi nakalimutan si Lisa. Ewan nga lamang niya kung bakit nawala na sa isip ng dalagang yaon ang kanilang kahapong puno sa kaningningan ng mga musmos na kaisipan at mangamoy sa pabango ng kawalang-malay. Wala nang masakit na alalahanin na
Nang hindi nagtamo ng tugon ang ikalimang sulat ni JP kay Lisa, ay naisip ng binata na hindi na siya muli pang susulat sa pinsang walang puso. Naisip niyang sayang lamang ang panahon at pagod nang magpakabaliw sa isang bagay na hindi matatamo. Ang pag-ibig ay may dalawang hanggahan: luwalhati at pagtitiis. Ngunit sa pagtitiis siya itinalaga ng tadhana ay tila kabaitan ang sumang-ayon sa guhit ng kanyang palad. May araw ding mapapansin niuoman ang kanyang kalungkutan at pagdurusa. Sadyang ang ano mang pangarap na mahalaga at dakila ay hindi natutupad sa iisang gabi. Kinakailangang maglamay at magpakasakit, maghirap at lumuha.
Pinag-ibayo na lamang ni JP ang pag-aaral. Kung siya'y makatapos na ng karera, sa kahit ano mang paraan ay hindi na kahiya-hiyang mangibig kahit kanino. Ang titulo ay isang sandata na malaki ang nagagawa. Kung wala mang paglingap si Lisa sa kanya ngayon baka kung siya ay isang doktor na ay lumambot din ang puso at masira ang kalooban ng pinsang walang awa. Kaya nagsunog ng kilay at halos patayin na ni JP ang sarrili sa pag-aaral.
Samantalang si Lisa ay patuloy sa kanyang pagkabulaklak ng lipunan. Kung sabagay ay hindi naman siya katulad ng ibang dalagang pag natatanyag na sa gitna ng sinungaling na sosyedad ay nagkakaroon ng marungis na ugali ang dati’y magandang dangal at ang angking kabanguha'y na pagsasamantalahan ng ilang mapagsamantala. Si Lisa ay hindi ganun. Habang siya ay nangingibabaw ay lalo siyang nagpapakalinis at nagpapabuti, lalong pinag-iibayo ang kanyang kababaang-loob, at katamisan ng ugali, lalong sinikap na siya'y maging karapat-dapat sa mata ng bayang nakabantay sa kanyang mga kilos.
Pagkaraan pa ng tatlong taon ay nagtapos din si JP sa pagka-manggagamot. Isang batang-batang manggagamot na hinihintay ng magandang pag-asa at pinatatapang ng lalong matatamis na pangarap. Datapwat kung ano ang tagumpay ngayon ni JP ay siya namang kabiguan ni Lisa. Dahil sa malabis na pagpupuyat gabi-gabi sa kung saan-saang sayawang idinaraos ng gayo't ganitong samahan, bukod pa sa panonood ng mga sine, ang magandang katawan ni Lisa ay hindi nakatagal. Siya'y dumura ng dugo at unti-unting nangayayat. Dahan-dahang nalanta ang rosas sa kanyang dalawang pisngi at lumalim ang kanyang mga mata.
Nang mabalitaan ni JP ang kaawa-awang kalagayan ni Lisa ay dali-daling inihandog ang kanyang tulong. Ang pinsang dalaga ay tumalima naman sa kanya. Ang buong panahon at pagsisikap ni JP ay inukol na lahat sa pagpapagaling ng karamdaman ng kanyang minamahal.
"Malulunasan mo pa kayo ako, JP?" ang tanong sa kanya pinsang may sakit.
"Oo, gagaling ka, pagagalingin kita, aalagaan kita," ang masuyong tugon ni JP.
Isang matamlay na ngiti ang itinugon ng dalaga. Inilipat ni JP si Lisa sa kanyang bahay-bakasyunan sa mataas at malamig na lugar ng
Isang malamig na gabi, ang buwan ay parang nakabitin sa langit na halos mangasul-ngasul, si JP at si Lisa ay mapayapang naka-upo sa at nagkakape sa may beranda ng kangyang bahay.
"Salamat sa iyo, JP," anang binibiro, "utang ko sa iyo ang aking buhay. Ano kaya ang maibabayad ko sa iyong kagandahang loob?"
"Lisa," sabi naman ng binata. "Pinagaling ko ang iyong sakit sa tulong ng Maykapal. Dapat ang karamdaman ko naman ang iyong bigyang lunas."
"Anong karamdaman mo?"
"Ang karamdaman ng aking puso."
"
"Kailan man ay hindi! Ang aking pag-ibig sa iyo ay malala kaysa ano mang sakit, Lisa, lalong malubha."
"Ano ang sasabihin sa atin ng tao? Magpinsan tayo'y..."
"Sa pagsinta ay walang magpinsan,” ang putol ni JP. "Lalong mabuti sapagka't iisa ang dugong dumadaloy sa ating mga ugat, iisa ang ating damdamin, iisa ang ating diwa at puso. At bakit natin pakikinggan ang sasabihin ng ibang tao kung tayo naman ay tunay na nagmamahalan? Ang dila ng tao ay sadyang makasalanan at hindi tunay kung maghusga. Alalahanin mo ang ating kabataan, ang pagmamahalan natin noong tayo'y mga batang musmos at inosente pa lamang. Hindi ka ba nanghihinayang sa lahat ng yaon kung ikaw o ako, ngayong ikaw ay may gulang nang ganap, ay mapasaibang kamay at mapasaibang dibdib?"
"Ngunit"
"Huwag ka ng magdahilan, Lisa. Sabihin mo na sa aking ako'y minamahal mo rin tulad ng pagmamahal ko sa iyo. Ang laman ng iyong puso ay nakikita sa iyong mga mata, kaya huwag mo na sanang susian ang iyong bibig.”
Hindi na nakuhang mangatwiran ng dalaga. Ang katotohanan ay matagal na rin siyang umiibig nang lihim sa kanyang tinuring na pinsan at mula ng nanariwa sa kanyang puso ang matamis na ala-ala ng kanilang kabataang yumao.
Bago sila naghiwalay ng gabing yaon at magtungo sa kani-kanilang silid ay pinabaunan muna niya si JP ng isang matamis na halik at inabutan ng isang bulaklak.
"Hayan ang aking pag-ibig."
"Pag-aralan mo sanang mahalin."
Ngunit sa pag-abot ni Lisa ng bulaklak ay hinila siya ng binata papalapit at binugbog ng sunud-sunod na halik. Halos buong puso namang niyang tinugun ang pagmamahal ng binata at buong magdamag, silang dalawa’y magkayakap at nagpapalitan ng matatamis na halik.
Nabalitaan na lamang ng lahat sa kahanga-hangang siyudad na rin ng malamig na
I’m badly in love right now. With whom? Sorry, it’s not with a person, but rather with what. Right now, I say that I am badly in love with writing. Yes! I am badly in love with writing, for this hobby of mine is transformed into a passion.
Before, writing, for me was just a simple compliance to some requirements given by our teachers for some particular subjects, such as Filipino and English. It was a task that I should do in order to pass the subject. But time passed, and from compliance, it developed into a hobby. Writing became my simple manner to express myself, to have such thoughts of mine be a work of art and be persevered for life.
As I recall, I started writing in our native language, Filipino. I began with poems; free verse or haiku. Then poems became essays, and all the more, stories. But, all of it was in the context of compliance to the requirements and assignments for some subject matters. I still remember that when I’m done with one, I’ll read it to my self and submit it. But, it does not give me any contentment. Then, without the idea of writing for compliance, I made one for my self, with our language, and when I was done with it, I read it by myself. That time, I felt fulfillment and contentment from within me, brought by this work of mine. Then, I continued writing in our language, and soon on our secondary language, English. I realized that there is much more to develop in myself, in terms of the skill, I still have to do more. So, I hone the skill, not contented with what I am right now, I continue to write, ask the help of others, mostly their comment and corrections on my work, and re-write my work . It is then that this hobby of writing becomes a passion with in me. I realized it when there came some time that thoughts stream through my mind, when hunger for paper and pen came and the desire to have those thoughts preserved for eternity also follows.
As this passion grows, the love and desire to develop myself also grows and I promise to myself that I will write, and will always write to express what’s within me.
I just thought of this saying, the idea came from the film Superman Returns. Here it is,I’m really not in good shape these days. I feel lost, exhausted, drained. I’m really having trouble within me… to the point of letting go – letting go of this precious gift that I’ve treasured for the past three years. I badly wanted to leave and face that great world outside these walls, not knowing what awaits me there. I’m really discouraged these times that even the trust and confidence to myself I forgot. I’m really tired of having the same routine, even though that I know to myself that it will not make me happy, I still want to do it, but I want just to free myself from this place, where I could feel exhaustion and lost. I’m badly discouraged. I want to let go, let go and move away – from this place which is my last resort in having my self back to life again. I know that I must be strong, but how can I be if I cannot see any support from others, if I can’t feel Him, if I cannot feel any more of me. I’m really lost, discouraged and tired with these happenings right now.
This very day, I lost a person in my life. My dad called me this afternoon saying that my Lola (Grandma) Doray died. Her real name was Teodora San Pascual, my grandmother from my father’s side. She was the aunt of my dad, and as I can recall, I grew up some of my childhood in her midst, when we were still living near them. Well, I really loved her so much, just like my own grandparents. I still remember when she was still alive and strong, how she would let me in her house and in her little store, wherein she would always offer or give me something in return of my visit to her. I really missed her much, for when I grew up already and my parents decided to transfer from them, I had little chances of seeing her. Well, I see how her health decline and how she became bed-ridden due to her ailments.
Now, that she’s already resting in the presence of Christ, she will rest assured of my prayers.
p.s. please also include her in your prayers. Thanks.
The first day of the Holy week has already passed, the Palm or Passion Sunday, and with that I had a very tiring and stressing day. I really got exhausted from the activities and preparations that I did for this very, the first day of Holy week. Hay, after those things, I just thought that I am the sacristan again for the same liturgical season. Hay, I’m really tired for this first day, and still thinking and looking forward of the coming days of preparations, of grand masses and liturgical services (Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and the Easter Vigil). I really got a long week ahead, with lots of things to consider and prepare. Even thought, I already experienced it from the last year, it is still a different thing for this year. Well, even though this task is indeed tiring, I still got to do it, maybe not for me or for the reason that I just have to fulfill them, but for a greater reason of serving that Person whom we all serve and who has chosen me to do this task – Our Lord. For Him, I will do this!
Well, I somehow learned the effect of closing our eyes. The other day, I got tired of our regular day run and being exposed to so much pressure, responsibilities, and little difficulties, while facing my computer, thinking to have a new write-up, I shut my eyes for a while, but suddenly I fell into a sleep. A friend just woke me up then said, “kung pagod ka na, magpahinga na.” (If you’re tired already, take some rest.) By then, I already realized how tired I was and really wanting to get out of this world for a while to breath some air, but I just cannot do it. And so as, how did the closing of my eyes help to be out of this world for a while, aside that I fell a sleep, it really helps. While closing my eyes, I realized that I didn’t see the things I don’t want, for example is the pile of computer works I have to do, and also I didn’t see the things I wanted. During those times, that I had my eyes shut, I just saw darkness in me that when that friend of mine woke me up, I went back to the real world. It, closing of the eyes, really works especially when you’re getting stressed already of so much work. Hay, I really felt good after that I closed my eyes, even for those moments.
Since I got another nickname,which is JC, I look for what's its hidden meaning. I'm always called by that name by those who were close to me, mostly my family, relatives and some friends. And I really used to be called by that even though I'm also called as CLEMENS. It brings me back my childhood years. So, here’s the meaning of my nickname…JC
Last night, I really find it hard, for no reason, to sleep. I don’t know why. Is it the weather? The day that passed? Or I just rally can’t sleep easily that night? I already said my personal prayers, which I know that when I do it, I am ready and willing to fall a sleep. But still, I was not able to do so. Due to my frustration, I looked for a good position, hoping that it will help, but it did not. Tired of rolling and changing my position over the bed, I shut my eyes forcing myself to sleep, but still, it did not have its effect. Since, I really can’t sleep and having a more frustration due to it, I decided to just lie on my bed and reflect and be silent, but rather than reflecting, I found myself reminiscing. Thoughts flow down in my mind about a friend, my high school teachers and friends; and so was my family. I wanted focused myself on one of these thoughts, but I was not able to do so for I already went to my slumber. Already in my sleep, but still I was disturb by those thoughts in my dream having me to rise up in the middle of the night and have a difficulty in going back to my slumber. There is really something that bothers from within. I really don’t know what was it nor who it was, but it really disturb me and frustrates me, even having me rise up in the middle of the night.
