On the verge of letting go…

I’m really not in good shape these days. I feel lost, exhausted, drained. I’m really having trouble within me… to the point of letting go – letting go of this precious gift that I’ve treasured for the past three years. I badly wanted to leave and face that great world outside these walls, not knowing what awaits me there. I’m really discouraged these times that even the trust and confidence to myself I forgot. I’m really tired of having the same routine, even though that I know to myself that it will not make me happy, I still want to do it, but I want just to free myself from this place, where I could feel exhaustion and lost. I’m badly discouraged. I want to let go, let go and move away – from this place which is my last resort in having my self back to life again. I know that I must be strong, but how can I be if I cannot see any support from others, if I can’t feel Him, if I cannot feel any more of me. I’m really lost, discouraged and tired with these happenings right now.

Lost

This very day, I lost a person in my life. My dad called me this afternoon saying that my Lola (Grandma) Doray died. Her real name was Teodora San Pascual, my grandmother from my father’s side. She was the aunt of my dad, and as I can recall, I grew up some of my childhood in her midst, when we were still living near them. Well, I really loved her so much, just like my own grandparents. I still remember when she was still alive and strong, how she would let me in her house and in her little store, wherein she would always offer or give me something in return of my visit to her. I really missed her much, for when I grew up already and my parents decided to transfer from them, I had little chances of seeing her. Well, I see how her health decline and how she became bed-ridden due to her ailments.

Now, that she’s already resting in the presence of Christ, she will rest assured of my prayers.

p.s. please also include her in your prayers. Thanks.

Hay…

The first day of the Holy week has already passed, the Palm or Passion Sunday, and with that I had a very tiring and stressing day. I really got exhausted from the activities and preparations that I did for this very, the first day of Holy week. Hay, after those things, I just thought that I am the sacristan again for the same liturgical season. Hay, I’m really tired for this first day, and still thinking and looking forward of the coming days of preparations, of grand masses and liturgical services (Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and the Easter Vigil). I really got a long week ahead, with lots of things to consider and prepare. Even thought, I already experienced it from the last year, it is still a different thing for this year. Well, even though this task is indeed tiring, I still got to do it, maybe not for me or for the reason that I just have to fulfill them, but for a greater reason of serving that Person whom we all serve and who has chosen me to do this task – Our Lord. For Him, I will do this!

Closing the eyes…

Well, I somehow learned the effect of closing our eyes. The other day, I got tired of our regular day run and being exposed to so much pressure, responsibilities, and little difficulties, while facing my computer, thinking to have a new write-up, I shut my eyes for a while, but suddenly I fell into a sleep. A friend just woke me up then said, “kung pagod ka na, magpahinga na.” (If you’re tired already, take some rest.) By then, I already realized how tired I was and really wanting to get out of this world for a while to breath some air, but I just cannot do it. And so as, how did the closing of my eyes help to be out of this world for a while, aside that I fell a sleep, it really helps. While closing my eyes, I realized that I didn’t see the things I don’t want, for example is the pile of computer works I have to do, and also I didn’t see the things I wanted. During those times, that I had my eyes shut, I just saw darkness in me that when that friend of mine woke me up, I went back to the real world. It, closing of the eyes, really works especially when you’re getting stressed already of so much work. Hay, I really felt good after that I closed my eyes, even for those moments.

My Other Name's Hidden meaning...

Since I got another nickname,which is JC, I look for what's its hidden meaning. I'm always called by that name by those who were close to me, mostly my family, relatives and some friends. And I really used to be called by that even though I'm also called as CLEMENS. It brings me back my childhood years. So, here’s the meaning of my nickname…JC

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you.
You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries.
You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice.

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily.
You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind.
A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable.

Something bothers

Last night, I really find it hard, for no reason, to sleep. I don’t know why. Is it the weather? The day that passed? Or I just rally can’t sleep easily that night? I already said my personal prayers, which I know that when I do it, I am ready and willing to fall a sleep. But still, I was not able to do so. Due to my frustration, I looked for a good position, hoping that it will help, but it did not. Tired of rolling and changing my position over the bed, I shut my eyes forcing myself to sleep, but still, it did not have its effect. Since, I really can’t sleep and having a more frustration due to it, I decided to just lie on my bed and reflect and be silent, but rather than reflecting, I found myself reminiscing. Thoughts flow down in my mind about a friend, my high school teachers and friends; and so was my family. I wanted focused myself on one of these thoughts, but I was not able to do so for I already went to my slumber. Already in my sleep, but still I was disturb by those thoughts in my dream having me to rise up in the middle of the night and have a difficulty in going back to my slumber. There is really something that bothers from within. I really don’t know what was it nor who it was, but it really disturb me and frustrates me, even having me rise up in the middle of the night.

My Name's Hidden meaning...

What Clemens Means

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily.
You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind.
A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated.
You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want.
You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way!



You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

writing a thesis...

writing a thesis...right now, I'm plunging myself into deep readings and re-readings of some articles and researches from the web, books, journals and the likes, with regards to our thesis. It's been long since I worked on it, maybe because of so many tasks that I was able to put it aside. Well, right now, it's been a great challenge for me working on it again, because I'm already, again, occupied by so many tasks. But, the good thing was, I was always reminded by a friend who keeps on telling me to just read it again and piece by piece work on it. Well, it somehow help because, at least, I am working on it during my free periods...aside from writing some reflections in my blog. It, again, occupied my thoughts and the idea of finishing it, well, before I cram with it in the end of my fourth year.
p.s. please pray for it's success...hehehe...thanks...